Analyze This.

For someone like myself who likes to write/talk/think a lot, (and sometimes to an unbearable degree, I admit) I sure haven’t spent enough time just ‘going with the flow’. Maybe I just need to spend more time living and less time thinking about those things that we don’t fully understand. Sometimes you just have to be content.



This idea seems contradictory to how I live. I tend to blog about topics and things that are very open-ended. I still believe that we should ponder things from time to time. As someone who is constantly looking for writing inspiration, I still wholeheartedly support that. What I’m referring to is more of the big things in life that we do have some control over, but still can’t seem to control. I spend way too much time thinking about these things, and overanalyzing how a situation might turn out, but it’s not worth it. I’d rather just go out and live and know that no matter WHAT happens there will be a tomorrow. Yes, it is obviously true that we aren’t guaranteed a tomorrow…hence ‘living like there’s no tomorrow’. So there’s a couple different ways to look at it….but I think they agree that we have to live for today. I say live for today instead of live in the moment for a pretty specific reason; I feel like ‘living in the moment’ have a more negative connotation and would lead people to believe that they shouldn’t worry about the consequences of their actions…



Don’t go out and get hammered and make babies!! Unless that’s a hobby of yours…



I just think that it’s worthwhile to try and make every moment count. Sure, in the grand scheme of things, there are plenty of insignificant moments. But a positive attitude can drastically alter the bigger picture. Don’t get weighed down by overanalyzing things, I can tell you from personal experience that it is just a burden. Don’t let the red tape in life slow you down.



A positive attitude does wonders for your daily happiness. It really does.



-J

Gratitude.

I don’t think I’ve taken enough time in the past year to enjoy the beautiful simplicity of life. Even when we have rough patches, it is hard for me to imagine being at a place in life where I’m just not thankful for every last breath of air I inhale. Humanity has such a storied existence, and I am glad to be a part of it. I am fortunate to be here. This all sounds really cliché and at times corny, but it’s true. Think about it…

65 years ago, many young men my age or younger were being drafted into the highest-casualty war of all time. People were dying left and right for glorified ideas of freedom and patriotism. Do we appreciate their sacrifices? Of course we do! That’s not the point though….

Here we are, complaining about things that matter now, but are trivial in the grand scheme of things. Sure, grades, relationships, social standing, and all these things CAN be very important. But sometimes when they become overwhelming, maybe it’s just best to remember how blessed we are to have choices in life. To be able to make what we want of our existence. I love that idea. I can be whoever I want to be…sure, being incredibly successful takes a lot of work and effort. But I have the opportunity to try…something that many around the world would only dream of having. Opportunity doesn’t always translate into success, but the chance of opportunity is even more important. Everyone deserves that chance.

So sure, I’ve had some rough patches…this year especially. But I can’t forget how lucky I am to even be alive. How great it is to take in every last breath of oxygen…

So I’ll live the one life I’ve been given to the absolute best of my ability.

An Artful Purpose.

What causes humanity to be creative? What makes us want to express ourselves and our culture, and what satisfaction is gained from doing so? I’ve always been intrigued by these questions, mostly because I am held captive to these desires even while I don’t fully understand them. I consistently find myself wanting to express myself, to make my mark, to enlighten myself artistically.

And I continue my attempts to do so through writing: blogs, poems, short stories, lyrics, etc. All of this lends to my overwhelming desire to morph my material into genuinely artistic musical expression. I am obsessed with this idea of perfecting my craft. Anybody who knows me on this level knows that I am a person who will search the world of art and music and never settle on one area. I can’t find an area of music that I can truly call ‘home.’ I’m not content to just play a certain type of song; I can probably credit Dylan and the Beatles for that. In the musical world in which we exist today, uncertainty about where you stand usually leads to a less lucrative musical career. This doesn’t bother me. I’m overwhelmed by the depth of music; there is so much out there and I am content to drink it all in. I look for inspiration all over, and I find it in some of the most unexpected places at times…

However, I feel as if the musical tastes and preferences of the mass public have betrayed the purity of music (to an extent). Too many people blabber on in their youth about how ‘mainstream’ music is essentially bullshit, but I feel like a lot of people do this mainly to assert themselves as someone who goes against the status quo. Just because something is popular doesn’t mean it is inherently bad music, but I do believe that the current influx of popular music has had an love affair with technological advances of the day. Artists exist that take advantage of the vast amount of musical technological innovations that allow them to alter every last aspect of a song without needing much talent or skill themselves. While I do believe everybody who wants to make music should have a chance, I also feel like this increases the amount of ‘musicians’ who want to live the dream by putting together some catchy beats and robotic-like vocals. That combined with the decrease in lyrical innovation (okay, we get it, sex is popular) has really started to piss me off. Sometimes I worry that this will lead to younger generations who aren’t as willing to put the time and effort into music…ohh the opportunity they would miss!!

But alas, all one can do is keep doing what they love. I genuinely hope that people continue to see what music means to our lives….. and not just the good party songs. There is a deepness and spirituality to music that the surface cannot even begin to understand, or comprehend. There is a connection to the most basic emotions and feelings of humanity….it connects us all across the globe, and across generations. That is something I can never see myself without. And therein lies my true happiness…

-J

Perception of a Reality

The walls fade into obscurity. Vibrant colors surround everything. The known becomes the unknown.

Suddenly, everything has changed. Everything I've known can't help me anymore. Nothing can. I must face this challenge. I have no choice now. No turning back...

A whole new world. It's overwhelming. I walk outside and look around. A picturesque lawn mower lies desolate and unused in an overgrown backyard. The trees sway as the birds attempt to sleep within the comfort of its canopy. The world is so beautiful. The simplicity of it all. At the same time, you realize the complexities of nature....So simple but so intricate.

Time stands still. Not completely...it creeps along with barely any change. But so much has occurred. It's hard to process...

But most of all I see. I see past what I thought life was limited to. I see the truth. It's frightening yet beautiful. I see my fears. I lose control and watch helplessly as everything begins to slip away into obscurity...But then....all of a sudden. The music plays. Sanity slowly returns....the comfort and warmth it brings is life-changing.

Perception is not always what it seems.

-J

Perception.

The sun is hiding today. There is brightness, but not that elusive star.

It's hidden. Behind clouds of grey.

But I don't mind. Sometimes you have to see the light even when it's nowhere to be seen.

We see what we want to see.

Breathtaking beauty. It's out there.

Just open your eyes...


How I wish I could be a traveling troubadour! Roaming all over the land. Telling tales of faraway places. I would recall spectacular mountains, beautiful seas, scorching deserts, frozen tundras, thunderous waterfalls, wonderful monuments of human civilization....

There is so much to this world. Untapped. Unseen.

Never stop looking.

Just open your eyes...

Yesterday.

'Why she had to go
I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong
Now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday,
Love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday....'

I had some interesting dreams this afternoon. I hate wanting something that is gone. Even in our most determined state of mind, we can fall prey to these underlying desires in our subconscious. I'm not ashamed of them though. I expected myself to feel this way...I knew I would.

It's ironic that I can say my greatest strength is optimism while at the same time admit that I am probably currently suffering from some form of depression. But the truth isn't always black and white, as I've been finding out. I need to use my optimism to help other people. I've been given a gift of positive thinking, and to waste it on temporary misery would be a shame. My happiness is greatly affected by how those close to me are feeling. In the past, I've begun to realize that I can use my positive outlook to help create more happiness and joy in the world around me. Incredibly cheesy I know, but how could I ignore something that in turn makes me feel fulfilled?

I need to get back there. I need to work myself out of this slump and once again become the guy I know I was meant to be. And I'll get there....but I have to know that progress requires the blessing of patience. We have to earn it. I'm not ready to move on from certain things...and my heart knows it. But one day, I will come to terms with leaving the past in the past. And I know that day is quickly approaching.

Last summer I was confronted by a whole different set of problems. I never thought that one year from then I would be wrangling with the same issues but in a whole new light. I made it out alive then, and I will do the same now.

But at the end of the day....I still find myself alone. There's nothing wrong with being alone, but you have to find your own comfort within yourself. Sometimes it gets lost in the chaos of everyday life. Well, I want to get it back. And I will. I want to feel the strength that I once had. And I will.

Time heals all...

-J

Letter to Jane Doe

I understand.

I understand what you've gone through. I understand what you're going through now. We've both had our fair share of highs and lows, pain and happiness. We've both 'come around' while the other is gone away. We've both had sleepless nights and emotional stress that have made past problems in life seem like child's play by comparison. We have looked to others for comfort in our darkest times, always afraid that those people cannot compare to what we had in each other.

We've had great memories. And we've had some miserable ones.

I've made my fair share of poor decisions. I've hurt you, I've been selfish, at times I've even convinced myself of the absolute certainty of my choices. But throughout it all...Through every single minute.. My heart could not deny the fact that I still cared. Deeply. Nobody who knows me could or would ever deny that I loved you unconditionally. Because it could be seen in my actions. In my eyes. In my very being...

What I don't understand...

Is how someone could assume to know so much about their 'love' but truly know so little. How someone can choose to act in a way that will devastate one while distract the other for only a short time. How could you have not known my heart? How could you have not seen where I was, and why I was there? These are all things I feared....that you never truly knew what I was facing. And now I see that you don't. My heart acted without my mind's permission. I wanted you to 'diagnose' me because I wanted you to understand me. I had always quelled those fears, those gnawing doubts, as me just being protective of myself. Maybe I expected too much. But now I see something deeper....something I had always worried about.


Truth.



The truth is....I could have loved you for all of time. But I didn't know what love was then, and I still don't know today. We grew together. In so many ways. That was our biggest strength. Our fight, our resolve....our passion. But that same strength turned against us and proved to be poisonous to everything we hold dear together. That fight and resolve turned into a cage match...one that could only boast a single 'winner'. My actions and decisions were scrutinized by you. Instead of coming to me for answers, time and time again you responded in the only way you knew how: defensively. These defensive measures may have saved you, but they left me stranded. And wanting. And miserable.

Hatred is not something I'm willing to hold in my heart. I will grow stronger, I'm already feeling the resolve I once shared with you coming back to me once again. I feel the strength in my optimism, my determination, and my love. I will not let you get to me anymore. I will not let this keep me down.

But I want you to know. Cut the excuses....just like I have cut out mine. You hurt me. Whatever you may say, whatever argument you may have, it will never change how I feel. I've been attacked. It was personal and it was malicious. And whether or not you see it that way, I don't care. It's the truth. It became a public spectacle and to you and your friends I have become little more than a whiner and scapegoat for all the things I've done wrong. You discount all your faults and blame me all for mine. You have criticized me for 'only caring about myself.' I find that quite hypocritical at times....

But I'm going to let it go. Let you go. I guess all I ever wanted was for somebody to truly be in love with me for the 'real' me. But that wasn't the case here....it never was. Maybe I asked too much, I understand. Believe me, I've learned many valuable lessons.

So goodbye Ms. Doe. I won't hide the truth....I'm still a little scared about all this. But now I know the path I must walk. I will miss the comforts and the care that I am leaving behind...but I hope to find that again some day. The future holds bright promises for the both of us.

I want you to know that even though I hold resentment, that too will soon fade...If I've learned anything in life, it's that my anger will only deter me on what will be a challenging road to move on for good. I hope for the best for you in all your life endeavors, as I know you hope for mine. My heart is saddened that my role in your life is ending, but I want you to know that I took that role very seriously. You meant the world to me, and I hope that one day somebody else can fulfill that role better than I ever could.

I'm sorry it came to all this. I know neither of us would've wanted it to end this way, but maybe it's time to just accept that it has.


I wrote this poem last Thursday....that very night.


'So this is it then, you chose not to stay
I still cannot believe you let it end this way
All the love in my heart will slowly disappear
Just like translucent smoke into the thinnest of airs.

What is left then, if not just animosity?
Everything is gone, nothing left to see
I will fight off every last feeling I get
I still don't miss you, at least not yet

The fire keeps spreading, from my heart inside
Consuming remnants of you, leaving nothing behind
I want the fire to burn, I want it all gone
Hate will fade too, it won't wait very long

So I raise my glass to the times I have had
I accept it all, the good and the bad
The past will fade, as it always does
I resolve to fill my heart with nothing but love'

-J