The Nature of Fear

This is a passage from Life of Pi by Yann Martel. I would highly recommend this book for anyone with an artistic and open-minded view of life.

"I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins with your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear, disguised in the garb of mild-mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. Doubt does away with it with little trouble. You become anxious. Reason comes to do battle for you. You are reassured. Reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology. But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. You feel yourself weakening, wavering. Your anxiety becomes dread.

Fear next turns fully to your body, which is already aware that something terribly wrong is going on. Already your lungs have flown away like a bird and your guts have slithered away like a snake. Now your tongue drops dead like an opposum, while your jaw begins to gallop on the spot. Your ears go deaf. Your muscles begin to shiver as if they had malaria and your knees to shake as though they were dancing. Your heart strains too hard, while your sphincter relaxes too much. And so with the rest of your body. Every part of you, in the manner most suited to it, falls apart. Only your eyes work well. They always pay proper attention to fear.

Quickly you make rash decisions. You dismiss your last allies: hope and trust. There, you've defeated yourself. Fear, which is but an impression, has triumphed over you.

The matter is difficult to put into words. For fear, real fear, such as shakes you to your foundation, such as you feel when you are brought face to face with your mortal end, nestles in your memory like a gangrene: it seeks to rot everything, even the words with which to speak of it. So you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you."

A Semi-New Year Filled With Semi-New Thoughts

I was thinking about creating a new blog, but then I figured I haven't been blogging enough to do so. So instead I've revisited this old page filled with old memories, many of which detail my many complaints about a former life. I don't really want to go through the next glorious chapters of life as a complainer, so I'm going to put an end to my mode of insufferable tirades. New beginnings, in a sort of new year!

My return to the blogosphere was prompted by my final semester in college. For once in my life, I had the liberty to study things purely because I was interested in them. I've been immersing myself in courses dealing with social psychology, sociology, and an anthropological view of American culture from an outsider's perspectives! All these have been great, and have gotten my mind buzzing again. I also chose to take a creative writing workshop, which has gotten the writing juices flowing. There's a lot of potential to hone my craft, and I'm excited for the opportunity.

I'd like to think of myself as an intellectual, as someone who pursues knowledge tirelessly outside the realm of academia. I find the world around us invigorating. I want to know all about other cultures, ways of life, and most of all I want to stay open-minded. We live in a world where culture, values, and even right and wrong can be viewed as subjective. And yet we have so many people who are in opposition to one another because of these subjective views. It seems short-sighted to me, but am I guilty of the same stubbornness or dogmatism at times? Sure.

I'm going to resolve myself to continue writing, and to continue being open to new things and new ideas. The mind is a curious thing that will always continue to grow until the day we cease to exist as we know ourselves now.

I've found purpose in the journey.

I must apologize to any potential readers out there. Lately, my blog postings have been sporadic, at best. I think it is because I allow myself to get caught up in the tangle of everyday life. And that can be quite a mess. But that's life for you.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching within the last month. I find it odd that the more I feel as if I've got a grip on life the more I find myself thinking about it. The more I question the belief system(s) I cling onto. Whether that be religion, faith, (I view the last two as COMPLETELY separate), morality, relationships, friendships, etc. Anything and everything. I don't view this questioning as a lack of my personal definition as an individual. I don't think that because I'm always searching I lack some sort of qualities that make someone a firm believer in their life choices. Instead, I think it represents fluidity. A lack of dogmatism. I don't want to grow up to be the type of person who is so set in my ways that I shut myself off completely to new ideas and growth. Although that person may feel as if they have it 'figured out,' I think they have simply found their own comfort levels and do not desire to push any further.

I'm not saying contentment with your own personal set of beliefs is wrong. On the contrary, actually. If you stand for something, continue to do so. But don't be so reliant on what others do or think. I believe that too many people nowadays are closed off to anything but what they have accepted to be true. People are too scared to see that maybe there is more than one answer...maybe what works for someone, will not work for another. Many religions claim they have THE answer, and maybe they do. All I'm trying to say here is: just as readily as they might have the answer...they might not. We accept things on faith as true, so all I'm pointing out is that you cannot say you are factually correct and in the right when you are accepting something off the basis of faith. That's the key word: faith. Some things can't be proven, and although that doesn't mean they aren't true, I would hope that would encourage people to stop beating down other belief systems and ways of life. I am growing weary of the divisive (and frequently violent) nature of humanity. If history tells us anything, this division is nothing new. But when has it ever been necessary? Why can't we simply be content with what we believe in, and not have to fight over it with others?

I think the answer to that is fear. People are driven by fear. People are scared of others who are quite unlike themselves. And this fear drives us to be divided, frightened, and even hateful. But we can overcome it. Even if just one person at a time.

I guess the whole point of this rant is for me to encourage others who agree to be open-minded. Being firm with what you believe and being open-minded do not have to be at odds. Accept others, and they will accept you. If you disagree with everything I say, that's not a problem. Doesn't mean you're right. But just because I have an opinion that I'm writing about doesn't mean I am right either. Don't be so hasty to look to others for your own answers. Life is an individual journey....we have lots of help and interactions along the way, but you truly have to find what you believe for yourself.

I firmly believe that in the end, love will always conquer hate. So show some love. This world needs it.

-J

The truth is...


Sometimes when I write, I really only care if one person reads what I write. That may sound insensitive, but I don't mean it that way. Maybe I'm stuck on a memory...something I can't quite get past yet. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy. Happy for a lot of people wouldn't be an understatement either. But alot of times, I feel as if that one person isn't connecting with me. Isn't understanding what it is I feel is right.She doesn't know how much these thoughts have been on my mind...

But then again...who is worth said affection? Somebody....



Someday.


But for me, it will be very far in the future. Because life has chosen its path for me. I won't complain. But I can't tell you I won't feel what I do...



I've always cared. You know that. It was never enough, but now it is. I just want you to know....your success in life means everything to me. I want you to thrive. But the normal response is hatred and malice....so am I better? According to my lifestyle, maybe not. But according to pure and true reality, maybe I am. But for you...I (was). past tense. And that pains me....not to know it, but to know that's the truth.

Sometimes I miss the past very dearly. But it is not in our plans to dwell on the past, but instead to dwell on the future. You will always have a future...And you can make it worth remembering.

-J

Transition...

What a week!!

Well, okay, it hasn't been that extraordinary. In fact, it's been pretty hectic at times...especially at work. But, with a positive attitude, I seem to have made some serious headway. Lately I've been trying a new simple method of looking at things: I stay positive in almost all situations. Seems easier to say than do, I can already agree with that. And it IS easier to say than do. But when you really buckle down, and decide that no matter what you are going to make the best out of every day, you find immense joy. Not in your day-to-day activities, but within yourself. I have just found myself being more happy since I've released my anxieties and worries and fears. No doubt they will come back to me at some point....but I will fight them off the same way! The whole goal here is for me to be happy with whatever I've been given in life, and with whatever situation I am in. Sure, there are PLENTY of things I could find to be unhappy about. In this year ahead of me I will be faced with obstacles that I can't say I'm overly excited to face. But at the same time, there is no need for fear or anxiety. Or worry. Because everything will play out. Everything will be okay. The minute you stop believing that is the minute you've subjected yourself to negative thinking. So don't do it :)

That's all for now folks.

-J

'The Sound of Silence'

I had this momentary urge to write. To get my thoughts out into the world so to speak. But as I sat down to write, no words came to me. Out of all the emotions and feelings working furiously inside my mind, not a single one felt like it needed to be written down. That's a curious thing. Maybe not everything needs talking about....maybe sometimes you have to be okay with the silence. With the quiet. With the solitude.

That's what there is right now. Calm. It's neither invigorating nor disheartening, but at the same time it is peaceful.

The more I sit here to write the more that comes to mind. The more topics I could dive into, the more feelings I could describe. But none of those things seem to matter right now. And I'm okay with that.

-J

Life is good!

There's a few things I'm missing, but I'm not one to complain about the little things. I've been working on new music, which included writing what I think might be my best song to date. Music always keeps me passionate and motivated. It makes me want to succeed in school, so that I'll have a degree to pursue a bachelor's degree-level job in some far away land....Canada, probably ;)

I'm just happy to be alive. I'm happy to know that there is real love on this planet. Humanity caring for itself. Cooperation. Unity.

I will do my best to be a caring human being with everything I do in life. It is very cool to see how everybody's different motivations lead them to different positive outcomes and perhaps even to making changes in somebody(s) lives.

I'm gonna use mine to help people, that's all I know for certain.

And that certainty is comforting..


''Love is real, real is love
Love is feeling, feeling love
Love is wanting to be loved

Love is touch, touch is love
Love is reaching, reaching love
Love is asking to be loved

Love is you
You and me
Love is knowing
we can be

Love is free, free is love
Love is living, living love
Love is needed to be loved'

'Love', -John Lennon




-J

Resolve.

It's difficult when someone judges you immediately due to something in your past. First impressions are very important but they are worthless when somebody has their own perception of who you already are engraved in their mind. I don't particularly blame people for being defensive, or for caring about others...I mean, it's pretty much our job to care about others. But when one person writes you off as a 'not-so-good' person it is difficult. And why? Well, some people have to be liked by everybody...thankfully I do not. But I do feel like I wish I was the one in control of who does and doesn't like me. Not something in my past, not something in my future, not some extenuating circumstance that really has nothing to do with me. But in the end, we all have to accept that life isn't always completely fair. Nor will it ever be. Instead of being frustrated by this fact, I'd rather just do what I can to make my life what it is. Do what I can to make it better every day. That's all I can do. And hope that everybody allows me a chance to truly introduce myself to the person I am now and the person I aspire to be....not some shadow of the past.

The Return

I have formed a love/hate relationship with writing. Sometimes I need it, sometimes it's the only way I can express myself. And other times I feel the need to verbalize my thoughts, or occasionally retreat farther within myself and 'ponder'. Weird...but that's my long drawn-out excuse for not writing for a month :)

I'm happy that the grass in green and the sky is blue. I don't want to get started on another 'life is wonderful' kick, but how can you not sometimes? Even when things don't go your way....you have the right to be happy.

Things haven't always gone my way. One could argue that in times of repeated failures you might be more prone to have a negative outlook. I would have to agree. The more I allowed myself to associate with negativity, the more it associated with my life.

So here I am on a Sunday morning and I can say that today won't be negative. This week won't be either. Because I won't allow either to be. I need an earnest enthusiasm now more than ever...we all start new chapters in life, and it seems I am starting a new one a year earlier than expected. But that's exactly it. We don't expect life. Can't anticipate it.

We just have to live it. And give it our best shot. And that's what I'm gonna do. Day after day after day. Simple philosophy, big results.

-J

Analyze This.

For someone like myself who likes to write/talk/think a lot, (and sometimes to an unbearable degree, I admit) I sure haven’t spent enough time just ‘going with the flow’. Maybe I just need to spend more time living and less time thinking about those things that we don’t fully understand. Sometimes you just have to be content.



This idea seems contradictory to how I live. I tend to blog about topics and things that are very open-ended. I still believe that we should ponder things from time to time. As someone who is constantly looking for writing inspiration, I still wholeheartedly support that. What I’m referring to is more of the big things in life that we do have some control over, but still can’t seem to control. I spend way too much time thinking about these things, and overanalyzing how a situation might turn out, but it’s not worth it. I’d rather just go out and live and know that no matter WHAT happens there will be a tomorrow. Yes, it is obviously true that we aren’t guaranteed a tomorrow…hence ‘living like there’s no tomorrow’. So there’s a couple different ways to look at it….but I think they agree that we have to live for today. I say live for today instead of live in the moment for a pretty specific reason; I feel like ‘living in the moment’ have a more negative connotation and would lead people to believe that they shouldn’t worry about the consequences of their actions…



Don’t go out and get hammered and make babies!! Unless that’s a hobby of yours…



I just think that it’s worthwhile to try and make every moment count. Sure, in the grand scheme of things, there are plenty of insignificant moments. But a positive attitude can drastically alter the bigger picture. Don’t get weighed down by overanalyzing things, I can tell you from personal experience that it is just a burden. Don’t let the red tape in life slow you down.



A positive attitude does wonders for your daily happiness. It really does.



-J

Gratitude.

I don’t think I’ve taken enough time in the past year to enjoy the beautiful simplicity of life. Even when we have rough patches, it is hard for me to imagine being at a place in life where I’m just not thankful for every last breath of air I inhale. Humanity has such a storied existence, and I am glad to be a part of it. I am fortunate to be here. This all sounds really cliché and at times corny, but it’s true. Think about it…

65 years ago, many young men my age or younger were being drafted into the highest-casualty war of all time. People were dying left and right for glorified ideas of freedom and patriotism. Do we appreciate their sacrifices? Of course we do! That’s not the point though….

Here we are, complaining about things that matter now, but are trivial in the grand scheme of things. Sure, grades, relationships, social standing, and all these things CAN be very important. But sometimes when they become overwhelming, maybe it’s just best to remember how blessed we are to have choices in life. To be able to make what we want of our existence. I love that idea. I can be whoever I want to be…sure, being incredibly successful takes a lot of work and effort. But I have the opportunity to try…something that many around the world would only dream of having. Opportunity doesn’t always translate into success, but the chance of opportunity is even more important. Everyone deserves that chance.

So sure, I’ve had some rough patches…this year especially. But I can’t forget how lucky I am to even be alive. How great it is to take in every last breath of oxygen…

So I’ll live the one life I’ve been given to the absolute best of my ability.

An Artful Purpose.

What causes humanity to be creative? What makes us want to express ourselves and our culture, and what satisfaction is gained from doing so? I’ve always been intrigued by these questions, mostly because I am held captive to these desires even while I don’t fully understand them. I consistently find myself wanting to express myself, to make my mark, to enlighten myself artistically.

And I continue my attempts to do so through writing: blogs, poems, short stories, lyrics, etc. All of this lends to my overwhelming desire to morph my material into genuinely artistic musical expression. I am obsessed with this idea of perfecting my craft. Anybody who knows me on this level knows that I am a person who will search the world of art and music and never settle on one area. I can’t find an area of music that I can truly call ‘home.’ I’m not content to just play a certain type of song; I can probably credit Dylan and the Beatles for that. In the musical world in which we exist today, uncertainty about where you stand usually leads to a less lucrative musical career. This doesn’t bother me. I’m overwhelmed by the depth of music; there is so much out there and I am content to drink it all in. I look for inspiration all over, and I find it in some of the most unexpected places at times…

However, I feel as if the musical tastes and preferences of the mass public have betrayed the purity of music (to an extent). Too many people blabber on in their youth about how ‘mainstream’ music is essentially bullshit, but I feel like a lot of people do this mainly to assert themselves as someone who goes against the status quo. Just because something is popular doesn’t mean it is inherently bad music, but I do believe that the current influx of popular music has had an love affair with technological advances of the day. Artists exist that take advantage of the vast amount of musical technological innovations that allow them to alter every last aspect of a song without needing much talent or skill themselves. While I do believe everybody who wants to make music should have a chance, I also feel like this increases the amount of ‘musicians’ who want to live the dream by putting together some catchy beats and robotic-like vocals. That combined with the decrease in lyrical innovation (okay, we get it, sex is popular) has really started to piss me off. Sometimes I worry that this will lead to younger generations who aren’t as willing to put the time and effort into music…ohh the opportunity they would miss!!

But alas, all one can do is keep doing what they love. I genuinely hope that people continue to see what music means to our lives….. and not just the good party songs. There is a deepness and spirituality to music that the surface cannot even begin to understand, or comprehend. There is a connection to the most basic emotions and feelings of humanity….it connects us all across the globe, and across generations. That is something I can never see myself without. And therein lies my true happiness…

-J

Perception of a Reality

The walls fade into obscurity. Vibrant colors surround everything. The known becomes the unknown.

Suddenly, everything has changed. Everything I've known can't help me anymore. Nothing can. I must face this challenge. I have no choice now. No turning back...

A whole new world. It's overwhelming. I walk outside and look around. A picturesque lawn mower lies desolate and unused in an overgrown backyard. The trees sway as the birds attempt to sleep within the comfort of its canopy. The world is so beautiful. The simplicity of it all. At the same time, you realize the complexities of nature....So simple but so intricate.

Time stands still. Not completely...it creeps along with barely any change. But so much has occurred. It's hard to process...

But most of all I see. I see past what I thought life was limited to. I see the truth. It's frightening yet beautiful. I see my fears. I lose control and watch helplessly as everything begins to slip away into obscurity...But then....all of a sudden. The music plays. Sanity slowly returns....the comfort and warmth it brings is life-changing.

Perception is not always what it seems.

-J

Perception.

The sun is hiding today. There is brightness, but not that elusive star.

It's hidden. Behind clouds of grey.

But I don't mind. Sometimes you have to see the light even when it's nowhere to be seen.

We see what we want to see.

Breathtaking beauty. It's out there.

Just open your eyes...


How I wish I could be a traveling troubadour! Roaming all over the land. Telling tales of faraway places. I would recall spectacular mountains, beautiful seas, scorching deserts, frozen tundras, thunderous waterfalls, wonderful monuments of human civilization....

There is so much to this world. Untapped. Unseen.

Never stop looking.

Just open your eyes...

Yesterday.

'Why she had to go
I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong
Now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday,
Love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday....'

I had some interesting dreams this afternoon. I hate wanting something that is gone. Even in our most determined state of mind, we can fall prey to these underlying desires in our subconscious. I'm not ashamed of them though. I expected myself to feel this way...I knew I would.

It's ironic that I can say my greatest strength is optimism while at the same time admit that I am probably currently suffering from some form of depression. But the truth isn't always black and white, as I've been finding out. I need to use my optimism to help other people. I've been given a gift of positive thinking, and to waste it on temporary misery would be a shame. My happiness is greatly affected by how those close to me are feeling. In the past, I've begun to realize that I can use my positive outlook to help create more happiness and joy in the world around me. Incredibly cheesy I know, but how could I ignore something that in turn makes me feel fulfilled?

I need to get back there. I need to work myself out of this slump and once again become the guy I know I was meant to be. And I'll get there....but I have to know that progress requires the blessing of patience. We have to earn it. I'm not ready to move on from certain things...and my heart knows it. But one day, I will come to terms with leaving the past in the past. And I know that day is quickly approaching.

Last summer I was confronted by a whole different set of problems. I never thought that one year from then I would be wrangling with the same issues but in a whole new light. I made it out alive then, and I will do the same now.

But at the end of the day....I still find myself alone. There's nothing wrong with being alone, but you have to find your own comfort within yourself. Sometimes it gets lost in the chaos of everyday life. Well, I want to get it back. And I will. I want to feel the strength that I once had. And I will.

Time heals all...

-J

Letter to Jane Doe

I understand.

I understand what you've gone through. I understand what you're going through now. We've both had our fair share of highs and lows, pain and happiness. We've both 'come around' while the other is gone away. We've both had sleepless nights and emotional stress that have made past problems in life seem like child's play by comparison. We have looked to others for comfort in our darkest times, always afraid that those people cannot compare to what we had in each other.

We've had great memories. And we've had some miserable ones.

I've made my fair share of poor decisions. I've hurt you, I've been selfish, at times I've even convinced myself of the absolute certainty of my choices. But throughout it all...Through every single minute.. My heart could not deny the fact that I still cared. Deeply. Nobody who knows me could or would ever deny that I loved you unconditionally. Because it could be seen in my actions. In my eyes. In my very being...

What I don't understand...

Is how someone could assume to know so much about their 'love' but truly know so little. How someone can choose to act in a way that will devastate one while distract the other for only a short time. How could you have not known my heart? How could you have not seen where I was, and why I was there? These are all things I feared....that you never truly knew what I was facing. And now I see that you don't. My heart acted without my mind's permission. I wanted you to 'diagnose' me because I wanted you to understand me. I had always quelled those fears, those gnawing doubts, as me just being protective of myself. Maybe I expected too much. But now I see something deeper....something I had always worried about.


Truth.



The truth is....I could have loved you for all of time. But I didn't know what love was then, and I still don't know today. We grew together. In so many ways. That was our biggest strength. Our fight, our resolve....our passion. But that same strength turned against us and proved to be poisonous to everything we hold dear together. That fight and resolve turned into a cage match...one that could only boast a single 'winner'. My actions and decisions were scrutinized by you. Instead of coming to me for answers, time and time again you responded in the only way you knew how: defensively. These defensive measures may have saved you, but they left me stranded. And wanting. And miserable.

Hatred is not something I'm willing to hold in my heart. I will grow stronger, I'm already feeling the resolve I once shared with you coming back to me once again. I feel the strength in my optimism, my determination, and my love. I will not let you get to me anymore. I will not let this keep me down.

But I want you to know. Cut the excuses....just like I have cut out mine. You hurt me. Whatever you may say, whatever argument you may have, it will never change how I feel. I've been attacked. It was personal and it was malicious. And whether or not you see it that way, I don't care. It's the truth. It became a public spectacle and to you and your friends I have become little more than a whiner and scapegoat for all the things I've done wrong. You discount all your faults and blame me all for mine. You have criticized me for 'only caring about myself.' I find that quite hypocritical at times....

But I'm going to let it go. Let you go. I guess all I ever wanted was for somebody to truly be in love with me for the 'real' me. But that wasn't the case here....it never was. Maybe I asked too much, I understand. Believe me, I've learned many valuable lessons.

So goodbye Ms. Doe. I won't hide the truth....I'm still a little scared about all this. But now I know the path I must walk. I will miss the comforts and the care that I am leaving behind...but I hope to find that again some day. The future holds bright promises for the both of us.

I want you to know that even though I hold resentment, that too will soon fade...If I've learned anything in life, it's that my anger will only deter me on what will be a challenging road to move on for good. I hope for the best for you in all your life endeavors, as I know you hope for mine. My heart is saddened that my role in your life is ending, but I want you to know that I took that role very seriously. You meant the world to me, and I hope that one day somebody else can fulfill that role better than I ever could.

I'm sorry it came to all this. I know neither of us would've wanted it to end this way, but maybe it's time to just accept that it has.


I wrote this poem last Thursday....that very night.


'So this is it then, you chose not to stay
I still cannot believe you let it end this way
All the love in my heart will slowly disappear
Just like translucent smoke into the thinnest of airs.

What is left then, if not just animosity?
Everything is gone, nothing left to see
I will fight off every last feeling I get
I still don't miss you, at least not yet

The fire keeps spreading, from my heart inside
Consuming remnants of you, leaving nothing behind
I want the fire to burn, I want it all gone
Hate will fade too, it won't wait very long

So I raise my glass to the times I have had
I accept it all, the good and the bad
The past will fade, as it always does
I resolve to fill my heart with nothing but love'

-J

Self.

Late nights at this house don't usually experience complete silence, but that is what I'm getting now.

Nothing but the barely audible clicks of my typing fingers...

Solitude. Embrace it.

The quiet tells me a lot of things. But most problematic, it shows me the condition of my heart. The condition that we sometimes avoid through mundane activities and routines...

And you don't always feel relieved...to know. Sometimes it scares the hell outta you, frightens you. But at least you know.

Find comfort in certainty.

In Between.

I just sat down to blog. Something I haven't done in a week or two.

I looked at the screen. I was ready to write. I sat there for 5 minutes staring...

I continue to stare now. At this horrible mess of words. And ponder the meaning.

So I'll keep staring. Staring at this screen. Trapped inside a stoic mentality......


I had a conversation with a friend recently that got me thinking about life perspectives. There's such a wide range of perspectives on every last detail of life. Hundreds of adjectives out there that could in one word summarize your experiences. But that is too vague..

My perspective on life at this moment is probably not the same I had when I wrote my last blog. I'd like to establish some continuity with my example of exercise. Two or three weeks ago, I was on board and pumped about getting in shape and maintaining it. Today, I'm overwhelmed by the end of the school semester and one of the first things to go was exercise. In two weeks, I'll most likely begin to get into the best shape of my life....a positive habit of mine during the summer.

These extremes vary. My mentalities and determination in certain areas of life are all over the place. Last time I saw my sister she told me something that we laughed about but is kinda true. She said, 'everytime I see you, you're either in good shape and healthy or look terrible with a beer belly. And it changes each time!'

And that is the way of a cyclical lifestyle. The lows, the high. The downs, the ups. The lethargy, the determination.....

I would like to have an experience that revolutionizes my world. Changes my outlook on the comfortable. Makes me face fear. Makes me overcome it.

I want everything I've ever known and believed to be challenged.

And I want to succeed. I want to learn more. I want to know some of those unanswered questions....

Enough of wanting. Time to go out and do it.

-J

'Oh, oh, my God
He listens to me
And I ain't even talking out loud
Oh, oh, my God
And he says, ‘My son
Now, listen to me
Listen while the listening’s good
You’re not my son’

-Dr. Dog, 'From'


Life has been a bit of a mess lately. I'm starting to succumb to the pressures of the semester, and I'm letting it get under my skin. I'm finding myself anxious and stressed about every single day. Obviously this isn't healthy, and I would like to find a solution very quickly. I thought that blogging might be a good way to get started with critical evaluation of what's going on with me instead of simply shoving it to the back of my mind.

I suppose I feel like my relationships in life have taken a hit. I find people I've felt close to are slipping away. At times I feel like it is almost everyone. But are they slipping away or am I inadvertently pushing them away? This is a question that I wish I had the answer to.

Maybe I'm scared of what the future holds. Maybe I'm scared to remain close to anybody. Believe it or not, at times I have a very introverted personality. I retreat farther into myself when I'm faced with my problems. Sometimes it's good for me to become comfortable with me again; sometimes it removes me from everybody else. I like to rely on friends and family, but I haven't been doing that as much in the past months. I feel helpless as I watch some of my friendships slip away...even though I can do something about it. I suppose that feeling of lost hope comes from the fact that in some parts of life I've thrown in the towel. I've admitted failure and I've just given up. So now it's time to get back up.

As I will admit to anyone without hesitation, this past year has probably been the hardest of my life. So I suppose it's natural for me to have these feelings at times. But I cannot allow it to become a trend. I cannot allow myself to fall into hatred and pessimism about what I've been given in life. I've been given more than I deserve, that's for sure. I've been given friends who care, even when I drop off the face of the earth for a while. I have a family who loves me unconditionally and without judgment. I've got my music, which helps me express myself when other ways aren't sufficient. But most importantly: I've got my mindset. Determination and optimism. Even during the hardest parts of life, we can't give up. We just can't. I want to stop caring about things, because I feel like it just makes life harder...but I won't, because it also makes it more worthwhile. I want to stop thinking about the people I love, but I won't because I love them and always want to have their best interests at heart. I want to stop being a caring person, and maybe at times I have...But I refuse to let that be me, because that is another strong quality that I have been given.

I've also been having some tough dreams lately. 'Subconscious fears' as I like to call them. I have to watch people who I care about fade away. I have to watch myself be without the people who love me. But, sometimes I just have to believe that what I'm doing is right. Who I'm trying to be is right. It doesn't matter if every last one of my decisions are right or wrong, all that matters is that I'm trying to make the right ones. If people don't understand that, they aren't worth having around. At least for me. But even though I've allowed myself to trust my instincts, you have to be wary of the fact that you aren't always right. We make mistakes. It's natural. Sometimes they change the course of our lives. And whether or not that's the case for me, I have to understand that my choices are mine alone and I made them for a reason, even when I don't fully understand that reason. I hope you can understand that. And I hope things make sense one day...

So I'll keep my chin up. Because the best is yet to come.

-J

Samedi.

This may sound strange, but I feel the need to blog more than I feel the desire for other people to read my thoughts. I feel the need to get all of it out of my system; I want to be able to read back on my writings and think to myself, 'yeah, I nailed that thought.' But sometimes I don't even know what I'm thinking. Like right now. I have nothing to write about, but I feel compelled to write. I feel compelled to become inundated with my own thoughts. Overwhelmed even. In many people's eyes, this past week could have made me seem like some sort of removed hermit. Maybe even longer than that. I have felt slightly removed from society at times. Oddly enough, I've found my own thoughts becoming my sole counsel. I feel like I've become distrustful. I don't believe that anyone else can get me to my goals. I even feel slightly disconnected from the one thing that brings everything together for me: music.

But, I cannot forget: confusion is a part of life. We cannot always be filled with crystal-clear purpose. Sometimes we have to do some soul searching, because purpose can lose it's meaning and cause if you allow yourself to forget about the reasons behind your drive. So instead of being frustrated with all these contradictory thoughts and emotions, I will try to embrace them. I will try to see clarity through the confusion. Light through the fog. And I will find it. Because above all else, I am a very determined human-being. Determined to see my life through to its full potential. Do I understand that potential completely at this time? No. But who does?

And that is the nature of life. Sometimes it is frustrating and unknown, but still always a journey. I may let myself get slowed down, but I will never come to a complete stop. It's all in how you handle the speed bumps and obstacles. And I will choose to handle them with my head held high, ready to face anything life chooses to give me.