'Oh, oh, my God
He listens to me
And I ain't even talking out loud
Oh, oh, my God
And he says, ‘My son
Now, listen to me
Listen while the listening’s good
You’re not my son’

-Dr. Dog, 'From'


Life has been a bit of a mess lately. I'm starting to succumb to the pressures of the semester, and I'm letting it get under my skin. I'm finding myself anxious and stressed about every single day. Obviously this isn't healthy, and I would like to find a solution very quickly. I thought that blogging might be a good way to get started with critical evaluation of what's going on with me instead of simply shoving it to the back of my mind.

I suppose I feel like my relationships in life have taken a hit. I find people I've felt close to are slipping away. At times I feel like it is almost everyone. But are they slipping away or am I inadvertently pushing them away? This is a question that I wish I had the answer to.

Maybe I'm scared of what the future holds. Maybe I'm scared to remain close to anybody. Believe it or not, at times I have a very introverted personality. I retreat farther into myself when I'm faced with my problems. Sometimes it's good for me to become comfortable with me again; sometimes it removes me from everybody else. I like to rely on friends and family, but I haven't been doing that as much in the past months. I feel helpless as I watch some of my friendships slip away...even though I can do something about it. I suppose that feeling of lost hope comes from the fact that in some parts of life I've thrown in the towel. I've admitted failure and I've just given up. So now it's time to get back up.

As I will admit to anyone without hesitation, this past year has probably been the hardest of my life. So I suppose it's natural for me to have these feelings at times. But I cannot allow it to become a trend. I cannot allow myself to fall into hatred and pessimism about what I've been given in life. I've been given more than I deserve, that's for sure. I've been given friends who care, even when I drop off the face of the earth for a while. I have a family who loves me unconditionally and without judgment. I've got my music, which helps me express myself when other ways aren't sufficient. But most importantly: I've got my mindset. Determination and optimism. Even during the hardest parts of life, we can't give up. We just can't. I want to stop caring about things, because I feel like it just makes life harder...but I won't, because it also makes it more worthwhile. I want to stop thinking about the people I love, but I won't because I love them and always want to have their best interests at heart. I want to stop being a caring person, and maybe at times I have...But I refuse to let that be me, because that is another strong quality that I have been given.

I've also been having some tough dreams lately. 'Subconscious fears' as I like to call them. I have to watch people who I care about fade away. I have to watch myself be without the people who love me. But, sometimes I just have to believe that what I'm doing is right. Who I'm trying to be is right. It doesn't matter if every last one of my decisions are right or wrong, all that matters is that I'm trying to make the right ones. If people don't understand that, they aren't worth having around. At least for me. But even though I've allowed myself to trust my instincts, you have to be wary of the fact that you aren't always right. We make mistakes. It's natural. Sometimes they change the course of our lives. And whether or not that's the case for me, I have to understand that my choices are mine alone and I made them for a reason, even when I don't fully understand that reason. I hope you can understand that. And I hope things make sense one day...

So I'll keep my chin up. Because the best is yet to come.

-J

Samedi.

This may sound strange, but I feel the need to blog more than I feel the desire for other people to read my thoughts. I feel the need to get all of it out of my system; I want to be able to read back on my writings and think to myself, 'yeah, I nailed that thought.' But sometimes I don't even know what I'm thinking. Like right now. I have nothing to write about, but I feel compelled to write. I feel compelled to become inundated with my own thoughts. Overwhelmed even. In many people's eyes, this past week could have made me seem like some sort of removed hermit. Maybe even longer than that. I have felt slightly removed from society at times. Oddly enough, I've found my own thoughts becoming my sole counsel. I feel like I've become distrustful. I don't believe that anyone else can get me to my goals. I even feel slightly disconnected from the one thing that brings everything together for me: music.

But, I cannot forget: confusion is a part of life. We cannot always be filled with crystal-clear purpose. Sometimes we have to do some soul searching, because purpose can lose it's meaning and cause if you allow yourself to forget about the reasons behind your drive. So instead of being frustrated with all these contradictory thoughts and emotions, I will try to embrace them. I will try to see clarity through the confusion. Light through the fog. And I will find it. Because above all else, I am a very determined human-being. Determined to see my life through to its full potential. Do I understand that potential completely at this time? No. But who does?

And that is the nature of life. Sometimes it is frustrating and unknown, but still always a journey. I may let myself get slowed down, but I will never come to a complete stop. It's all in how you handle the speed bumps and obstacles. And I will choose to handle them with my head held high, ready to face anything life chooses to give me.