Perception.

The sun is hiding today. There is brightness, but not that elusive star.

It's hidden. Behind clouds of grey.

But I don't mind. Sometimes you have to see the light even when it's nowhere to be seen.

We see what we want to see.

Breathtaking beauty. It's out there.

Just open your eyes...


How I wish I could be a traveling troubadour! Roaming all over the land. Telling tales of faraway places. I would recall spectacular mountains, beautiful seas, scorching deserts, frozen tundras, thunderous waterfalls, wonderful monuments of human civilization....

There is so much to this world. Untapped. Unseen.

Never stop looking.

Just open your eyes...

Yesterday.

'Why she had to go
I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong
Now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday,
Love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday....'

I had some interesting dreams this afternoon. I hate wanting something that is gone. Even in our most determined state of mind, we can fall prey to these underlying desires in our subconscious. I'm not ashamed of them though. I expected myself to feel this way...I knew I would.

It's ironic that I can say my greatest strength is optimism while at the same time admit that I am probably currently suffering from some form of depression. But the truth isn't always black and white, as I've been finding out. I need to use my optimism to help other people. I've been given a gift of positive thinking, and to waste it on temporary misery would be a shame. My happiness is greatly affected by how those close to me are feeling. In the past, I've begun to realize that I can use my positive outlook to help create more happiness and joy in the world around me. Incredibly cheesy I know, but how could I ignore something that in turn makes me feel fulfilled?

I need to get back there. I need to work myself out of this slump and once again become the guy I know I was meant to be. And I'll get there....but I have to know that progress requires the blessing of patience. We have to earn it. I'm not ready to move on from certain things...and my heart knows it. But one day, I will come to terms with leaving the past in the past. And I know that day is quickly approaching.

Last summer I was confronted by a whole different set of problems. I never thought that one year from then I would be wrangling with the same issues but in a whole new light. I made it out alive then, and I will do the same now.

But at the end of the day....I still find myself alone. There's nothing wrong with being alone, but you have to find your own comfort within yourself. Sometimes it gets lost in the chaos of everyday life. Well, I want to get it back. And I will. I want to feel the strength that I once had. And I will.

Time heals all...

-J

Letter to Jane Doe

I understand.

I understand what you've gone through. I understand what you're going through now. We've both had our fair share of highs and lows, pain and happiness. We've both 'come around' while the other is gone away. We've both had sleepless nights and emotional stress that have made past problems in life seem like child's play by comparison. We have looked to others for comfort in our darkest times, always afraid that those people cannot compare to what we had in each other.

We've had great memories. And we've had some miserable ones.

I've made my fair share of poor decisions. I've hurt you, I've been selfish, at times I've even convinced myself of the absolute certainty of my choices. But throughout it all...Through every single minute.. My heart could not deny the fact that I still cared. Deeply. Nobody who knows me could or would ever deny that I loved you unconditionally. Because it could be seen in my actions. In my eyes. In my very being...

What I don't understand...

Is how someone could assume to know so much about their 'love' but truly know so little. How someone can choose to act in a way that will devastate one while distract the other for only a short time. How could you have not known my heart? How could you have not seen where I was, and why I was there? These are all things I feared....that you never truly knew what I was facing. And now I see that you don't. My heart acted without my mind's permission. I wanted you to 'diagnose' me because I wanted you to understand me. I had always quelled those fears, those gnawing doubts, as me just being protective of myself. Maybe I expected too much. But now I see something deeper....something I had always worried about.


Truth.



The truth is....I could have loved you for all of time. But I didn't know what love was then, and I still don't know today. We grew together. In so many ways. That was our biggest strength. Our fight, our resolve....our passion. But that same strength turned against us and proved to be poisonous to everything we hold dear together. That fight and resolve turned into a cage match...one that could only boast a single 'winner'. My actions and decisions were scrutinized by you. Instead of coming to me for answers, time and time again you responded in the only way you knew how: defensively. These defensive measures may have saved you, but they left me stranded. And wanting. And miserable.

Hatred is not something I'm willing to hold in my heart. I will grow stronger, I'm already feeling the resolve I once shared with you coming back to me once again. I feel the strength in my optimism, my determination, and my love. I will not let you get to me anymore. I will not let this keep me down.

But I want you to know. Cut the excuses....just like I have cut out mine. You hurt me. Whatever you may say, whatever argument you may have, it will never change how I feel. I've been attacked. It was personal and it was malicious. And whether or not you see it that way, I don't care. It's the truth. It became a public spectacle and to you and your friends I have become little more than a whiner and scapegoat for all the things I've done wrong. You discount all your faults and blame me all for mine. You have criticized me for 'only caring about myself.' I find that quite hypocritical at times....

But I'm going to let it go. Let you go. I guess all I ever wanted was for somebody to truly be in love with me for the 'real' me. But that wasn't the case here....it never was. Maybe I asked too much, I understand. Believe me, I've learned many valuable lessons.

So goodbye Ms. Doe. I won't hide the truth....I'm still a little scared about all this. But now I know the path I must walk. I will miss the comforts and the care that I am leaving behind...but I hope to find that again some day. The future holds bright promises for the both of us.

I want you to know that even though I hold resentment, that too will soon fade...If I've learned anything in life, it's that my anger will only deter me on what will be a challenging road to move on for good. I hope for the best for you in all your life endeavors, as I know you hope for mine. My heart is saddened that my role in your life is ending, but I want you to know that I took that role very seriously. You meant the world to me, and I hope that one day somebody else can fulfill that role better than I ever could.

I'm sorry it came to all this. I know neither of us would've wanted it to end this way, but maybe it's time to just accept that it has.


I wrote this poem last Thursday....that very night.


'So this is it then, you chose not to stay
I still cannot believe you let it end this way
All the love in my heart will slowly disappear
Just like translucent smoke into the thinnest of airs.

What is left then, if not just animosity?
Everything is gone, nothing left to see
I will fight off every last feeling I get
I still don't miss you, at least not yet

The fire keeps spreading, from my heart inside
Consuming remnants of you, leaving nothing behind
I want the fire to burn, I want it all gone
Hate will fade too, it won't wait very long

So I raise my glass to the times I have had
I accept it all, the good and the bad
The past will fade, as it always does
I resolve to fill my heart with nothing but love'

-J

Self.

Late nights at this house don't usually experience complete silence, but that is what I'm getting now.

Nothing but the barely audible clicks of my typing fingers...

Solitude. Embrace it.

The quiet tells me a lot of things. But most problematic, it shows me the condition of my heart. The condition that we sometimes avoid through mundane activities and routines...

And you don't always feel relieved...to know. Sometimes it scares the hell outta you, frightens you. But at least you know.

Find comfort in certainty.

In Between.

I just sat down to blog. Something I haven't done in a week or two.

I looked at the screen. I was ready to write. I sat there for 5 minutes staring...

I continue to stare now. At this horrible mess of words. And ponder the meaning.

So I'll keep staring. Staring at this screen. Trapped inside a stoic mentality......


I had a conversation with a friend recently that got me thinking about life perspectives. There's such a wide range of perspectives on every last detail of life. Hundreds of adjectives out there that could in one word summarize your experiences. But that is too vague..

My perspective on life at this moment is probably not the same I had when I wrote my last blog. I'd like to establish some continuity with my example of exercise. Two or three weeks ago, I was on board and pumped about getting in shape and maintaining it. Today, I'm overwhelmed by the end of the school semester and one of the first things to go was exercise. In two weeks, I'll most likely begin to get into the best shape of my life....a positive habit of mine during the summer.

These extremes vary. My mentalities and determination in certain areas of life are all over the place. Last time I saw my sister she told me something that we laughed about but is kinda true. She said, 'everytime I see you, you're either in good shape and healthy or look terrible with a beer belly. And it changes each time!'

And that is the way of a cyclical lifestyle. The lows, the high. The downs, the ups. The lethargy, the determination.....

I would like to have an experience that revolutionizes my world. Changes my outlook on the comfortable. Makes me face fear. Makes me overcome it.

I want everything I've ever known and believed to be challenged.

And I want to succeed. I want to learn more. I want to know some of those unanswered questions....

Enough of wanting. Time to go out and do it.

-J