Monday, May 10, 2010

Letter to Jane Doe

I understand.

I understand what you've gone through. I understand what you're going through now. We've both had our fair share of highs and lows, pain and happiness. We've both 'come around' while the other is gone away. We've both had sleepless nights and emotional stress that have made past problems in life seem like child's play by comparison. We have looked to others for comfort in our darkest times, always afraid that those people cannot compare to what we had in each other.

We've had great memories. And we've had some miserable ones.

I've made my fair share of poor decisions. I've hurt you, I've been selfish, at times I've even convinced myself of the absolute certainty of my choices. But throughout it all...Through every single minute.. My heart could not deny the fact that I still cared. Deeply. Nobody who knows me could or would ever deny that I loved you unconditionally. Because it could be seen in my actions. In my eyes. In my very being...

What I don't understand...

Is how someone could assume to know so much about their 'love' but truly know so little. How someone can choose to act in a way that will devastate one while distract the other for only a short time. How could you have not known my heart? How could you have not seen where I was, and why I was there? These are all things I feared....that you never truly knew what I was facing. And now I see that you don't. My heart acted without my mind's permission. I wanted you to 'diagnose' me because I wanted you to understand me. I had always quelled those fears, those gnawing doubts, as me just being protective of myself. Maybe I expected too much. But now I see something deeper....something I had always worried about.


The truth is....I could have loved you for all of time. But I didn't know what love was then, and I still don't know today. We grew together. In so many ways. That was our biggest strength. Our fight, our resolve....our passion. But that same strength turned against us and proved to be poisonous to everything we hold dear together. That fight and resolve turned into a cage that could only boast a single 'winner'. My actions and decisions were scrutinized by you. Instead of coming to me for answers, time and time again you responded in the only way you knew how: defensively. These defensive measures may have saved you, but they left me stranded. And wanting. And miserable.

Hatred is not something I'm willing to hold in my heart. I will grow stronger, I'm already feeling the resolve I once shared with you coming back to me once again. I feel the strength in my optimism, my determination, and my love. I will not let you get to me anymore. I will not let this keep me down.

But I want you to know. Cut the excuses....just like I have cut out mine. You hurt me. Whatever you may say, whatever argument you may have, it will never change how I feel. I've been attacked. It was personal and it was malicious. And whether or not you see it that way, I don't care. It's the truth. It became a public spectacle and to you and your friends I have become little more than a whiner and scapegoat for all the things I've done wrong. You discount all your faults and blame me all for mine. You have criticized me for 'only caring about myself.' I find that quite hypocritical at times....

But I'm going to let it go. Let you go. I guess all I ever wanted was for somebody to truly be in love with me for the 'real' me. But that wasn't the case never was. Maybe I asked too much, I understand. Believe me, I've learned many valuable lessons.

So goodbye Ms. Doe. I won't hide the truth....I'm still a little scared about all this. But now I know the path I must walk. I will miss the comforts and the care that I am leaving behind...but I hope to find that again some day. The future holds bright promises for the both of us.

I want you to know that even though I hold resentment, that too will soon fade...If I've learned anything in life, it's that my anger will only deter me on what will be a challenging road to move on for good. I hope for the best for you in all your life endeavors, as I know you hope for mine. My heart is saddened that my role in your life is ending, but I want you to know that I took that role very seriously. You meant the world to me, and I hope that one day somebody else can fulfill that role better than I ever could.

I'm sorry it came to all this. I know neither of us would've wanted it to end this way, but maybe it's time to just accept that it has.

I wrote this poem last Thursday....that very night.

'So this is it then, you chose not to stay
I still cannot believe you let it end this way
All the love in my heart will slowly disappear
Just like translucent smoke into the thinnest of airs.

What is left then, if not just animosity?
Everything is gone, nothing left to see
I will fight off every last feeling I get
I still don't miss you, at least not yet

The fire keeps spreading, from my heart inside
Consuming remnants of you, leaving nothing behind
I want the fire to burn, I want it all gone
Hate will fade too, it won't wait very long

So I raise my glass to the times I have had
I accept it all, the good and the bad
The past will fade, as it always does
I resolve to fill my heart with nothing but love'


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